Texting: Almost never a good idea

I was at the gym yesterday and somehow (don’t ask) I got talking to two guys who I know very well by sight, about girls needing attention. Those of you who wonder why I do not know the names of these gentlemen should remember that I have had passionate sex with men who still remain nameless so it’s no biggie. I like not knowing. But back to gym boys. They were just two in a long series of men who’ve expressed exasperation and frankly, despair, at women who require constant contact by electronic means.

“We don’t just talk for no reason,” said one.

“Yeah and we hate talking when we’re pushed,” said his pal, who had a big plaster over his neck which I took to be a tattoo that could have gone either way.

Now you might this sounds obvious but are you really listening ladies? All those texts you send BF during the day when he’s at work might seem to be greeted with tolerance and even interest but what you’re doing is obligating the poor guy to think up a reply. Moreover you’re pushing him out of the boy comfort zone and so it’s possible you won’t get the text you want. See where I’m headed? No? Back to fundamentals.

You start a relationship with say 100 points. The maximum. Now those points are yours to lose and the quickest way to lose them in this modern age of neediness, is to make a guy talk when he’s not ready. Just two days of “Babe, I can’t wait to see you,” and you’re on 80, maybe even 75. Get all pathetic and keep it up for a week and you’re down to 60. At this point if he’s not seriously invested, you’ve put yourself on relationship watch.

“But he replies,” you say.

Sweetie, men will do anything to keep the peace. He replies because when he’s at work or watching football with his friends, he does not want any hassle. And he knows if he doesn’t, you’ll send him a “What’s wrong babe?” and then he’ll feel guilty. Men do not like to feel guilty. Men would prefer almost anything else to guilt. Torture for example. Much better than guilt. They have no capacity for dealing with it.

Contrary to what the magazines tell you about soulmates, he is not your soulmate. Any dating advice which says a man has to be your soulmate is kidding you. A man is not equipped to be a soulmate. A soulmate talks easily and openly and listens to you for hours while you drone on about your boring life. A man does not want to do that. Sorry, but he is not a soulmate. He is a lover, a pal and on many occasions, a naughty child. Hopefully he’s also an adult when you need him to be but often that one is optional.

The reason we have girlfriends is that like us, they like to talk. And they’ll listen. They’re the ones you connect with when you want to trade aimless banter, not your lover. That’s why God put them there and gave them cheap white wine to offer you in times of need. That’s why women have boxes of tissues with padded covers on them and sofas with unfeasible amounts of cushionary on them that you can throw, cry into and fall asleep on. Men are not for this purpose. If you are lucky they will fulfil their sexual remit. If you are luckier, they will build you shelves. Anything after that is a bonus.

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