There are two things I suggest you don’t do in the The January. The first is not to spend any time around somebody who’s announced their desire to diet. There is a simple, scientific reason for this: Fat Flotation. When your best mate loses 30 pounds where the fuck do you think it’s going to go? On to the nearest person, that’s who. It’s out there so it has to go somewhere. The best way to avoid this happening is to unfriend anybody you know who is likely to be denying themselves calories. Even Facebook pretend friends can be hazardous. Just go off the radar until you’re absolutely sure they’re no longer on a diet/detox or colon cleanse. You might even find you can do without them forever.
The second thing you should never attempt in The January is dating, especially the online sort. There is no month in any hemisphere, on any continent with a greater smell of relationship desperation than The January. All it can promise you is misery and melancholy, which is intensified because you’re still looking back at 2016 and thinking how you blew that entire year, while attempting to take on the burden of 2017. You gaze at your bloated navel and think, “It’s going to be a million times better. This will be my year!” (NB: There are only so many good years to go round so very few of us get them.) And then you foolishly sign up to several online dating sites, thinking that somehow, this year the whole process will have become sane, civilised and populated with self-actualized people.
Of course it won’t. The only people on dating sites in The January will the scrappy leftovers of 2016; the chancers, the ones seeking affairs, some opportunistic hookers and the kind of guys who ask for a blow job within four sentences. Is this how you want to begin your year? No. You must start as you mean to go on. The strategy here is to avoid dating, avoid mention of dating, avoid people who tell you to date; you know the ones you say things like, “I know plenty of people who met on dating sites,” and you know they’re fibbing big time because they can’t give you names, numbers, places. If these are also the same people embarking on a diet/detox then just tell them to fuck off and you’re pretty much set for a perfect January. There is no need to take up hobbies or join a club either (tell those people to fuck off too). Expect nothing of The January and you will be much happier. Use it for essential tasks such as tidying up your cutlery drawer and sorting your pens.Even better, go watch the couples in IKEA arguing and remember the next step for them is the divorce lawyer. If there’s anything worse than being single in the New Year, it’s being partnered up + in IKEA + The January. If there was ever time to be a smug single this is it. Enjoy.