Is this a relationship? Toss a coin.


A few readers have written to me, asking “Is this a relationship?”  Because it seems the definition is so fluid nobody knows what they’re doing. Or what they’re investing. Back when WOE wore lycra mini dresses (flat shoes of course)  it seemed so much easier to work out what you and he were. You were dating or not dating. If you stopped dating you had broken up. If you continued dating you were in love. If you kept on going for a while after that you might end up sharing the costs of bread and milk. When you were dating you had sex. When you stopped dating you stopped having sex with that person. Often that happened because you had sex with another person. Before you started dating again you might have a one night stand. If you slept with someone else’s partner you were a slut while he was a cheat. It was all so simple and wonderful.

Fuckbuddies, Friends with Benefits (FWB) or booty calls and their associated acronyms had not yet been formalised. Remember this was well before it was mandatory to have multiple tattoos. The world was an innocent place where a relationship was a relationship and by definition not casual. There was no casual: there was an affair. Even a one-night stand wasn’t casual. It was a one-night stand and a respectable watermark in your formative years. Now that everyone seems to have a slew of flexible and often faux friends, it’s unclear as to what constitutes a relationship. Just for you, I looked on the interweb to see what the little people were saying in response to those who asked, “Is this a relationship?”

  • Friends by day, sex partners by night. (Because the other way round is an affair).
  • You can have sex when you feel like it without having to take her out and buy her dinner.(On one level it works. On another it’s so fucking nasty)
  • You can have sex with a guy you trust even if you are not in a relationship. (This has so many loopholes I won’t begin to dissect).
  • Like a real relationship with sex and conversation and everything but open to others.
  • A physically involved relationship where both partners enjoy the comforts of a semi-serious relationship on the understanding they will always be friends. (Says he when she asks if they will always be friends)
  • Two people who were having a serious relationship but decided it was too serious and decided to continue their relationship less ‘seriously’ but with sex. (Flatmates who got drunk and now have no idea how to get out of it).
  • A relationship that isn’t just about sex but doesn’t include sleeping over. Or dinner. Or calls, unless it’s to arrange sex. (So that’s pretty much purely sex then unless there’s a complicated subtext we’re missing).
  • A relationship where he offers benefits (like money) and she gives sex in return. (Thought that was called something else)
  • Two people who would be together as a couple but they’re too busy so they just meet up and have sex (Until one of them becomes unemployed and the other one says “Hey, now we can have a real relationship except we can’t because you’re unemployed.”)

This is the stuff that is meant to be simpler than a ‘relationship’ yet comes with far more aliases than any relationship. FWB, FF, FB, NSF, Booty Call, MFF and the rest suggest that this little convenience is not quite as simple as picking up instant pot noodles from the local 7/11 store. There are strings, there are expectations and there are feelings. There is also the unwritten and unsaid rule that you are not allowed to acknowledge what it is or it is ruined. No judgements here: if you manage to make this work for an extended period of time (because anything else is just a fling I think but I’m not sure) then WOE tips her curly hair to you. If you feel that you’ve been led up the garden path to a poisoned rosebush, then join the queue but you won’t get your money back.

8 comments for “Is this a relationship? Toss a coin.

  1. Susan
    September 28, 2015 at 07:28

    Excellent ! Thanks for clarifying all of that.

  2. Mr Majeka
    October 1, 2015 at 01:32

    >>You can have sex when you feel like it without having to take her out and buy her dinner.(On one level it works. On another it’s so fucking nasty)

    Wait, the good nasty or the bad nasty?! 😉

    • woe
      October 1, 2015 at 03:20

      Susan: I know it doesn’t clear up anything.

      Mr Majeka:If you want sex and she wants sex and you’re both happy cool. But, truthfully, while fewer women can operate on a biological level with this sort of disconnect, I’m meeting a lot of guys who say they just hate hookups. There is good slutty and bad slutty. Good slutty is more fun because you are more intimate so you can have really good sex.

    • woe
      February 14, 2016 at 00:01

      Both. Depending on how you feel. Nasty can be fun. Like Dirty.

  3. Mr Majeka
    October 2, 2015 at 01:42

    Guys who hate hookups…. I’ll assume most are older gents – late 30s plus…

    Random hook ups with women were never my thing, even during my callow youth. Good slutty is a big bowl of fun all round when unleashed, though fairly short-lived in my experience.

    • woe
      October 2, 2015 at 07:28

      No, usually thoughtful younger guys who know great sex doesn’t happen by swiping and texting. They’re a much more cautious lot. Older guys pah. They have no idea what they want. But depends on nationality too.

  4. benny cumberparcel
    October 23, 2015 at 19:53

    I mistakenly had sex with a lego dinosaur once and was put on the plastic offenders register. I don’t know what came over me. Well I did and it was like a shower.

    • woe
      February 14, 2016 at 00:01

      Very cute.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.