Should you be dating?

IMG_0619Online dating frequently presents itself as a safe haven where you can meet others who are are all apparently online for the very same purpose. It’s sold as a huge sweetie shop where hundreds of people just like you are also looking for their sweetie. Sadly much of this is an illusion. Most of the time, online dating is like a computer game invented by Silicon Valley rejects. It has no fun, no rewards and no next level. Plus most people aren’t playing properly. Because it has no rules.

Thus, dating sites are used for many things, but especially not dating. They are great displacement activities, especially for married people. Some are curious, some are bored and have no intention of doing anything, or just want the thrill of online chat. Online dating provides a place to play away without playing. Most of these people have no intention of crossing the line but want to peep over it: you know the sort of thing, the person who says they just want a sexy, online relationship to spice things up. If you last dated BC (Before Computers) then it will take you some time to work out exactly what is going on. Online dating might seduce you with immediacy and potential but but it’s also about quick rejection and disposal. You need solid self-esteem to deal with it. You need to be able to toss aside the 90 percent of people who will waste your time. And when you do meet up, you do it with minimal expectation, the same expectation you’d have of recruitment people. Yes, I’m afraid we have to set the bar that low.

Beware the illusion of unlimited choice

Potential is what keeps people returning to online sites even when they’re fed up. Online conjures up a fantasy of an unlimited choice of candidates, a concept that appeals to a lot of men who lost touch with reality a long time ago. You know what I mean, the kind of guys who say things like “Angelina Jolie, no way I wouldn’t”. Like they’d have the choice.

This illusion of choice is why it’s so easy to get binned online so if you’re feeling delicate or overly sensitive it’s not the place to be just now.  Unless you can accept that being on a dating site these days is akin to being a colourful, plastic item in a Costco catalogue, you should not be there. It works both ways though. I might be nothing more than a set of storage containers but I’m being rejected by cheap garden ornaments. It’s that ridiculous, so you have to take it lightly. If instead, you constantly find yourself waiting for someone to text you or you’re projecting your feelings onto an unmet person, you should definitely go off grid. You’re not ready if you fall so easily. If you’re single again after a long time, multiply this advice by 100%. Please go and do something else with your life, something that is guaranteed to make you feel good about yourself. Because if you’re not ready to date, if you’re wearing your emotions on the outside, you’re not in a position to make your own rules. And that is exactly what you need to do in the lawless land of modern relationships. You need to be strong enough to decide what you expect and what you will and won’t accept. You need self-awareness and self-respect. If you don’t quite feel up to it right now, that’s ok. Go and do something else and I’ll show you how it works next time.

 

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4 comments for “Should you be dating?

  1. Charlene
    July 27, 2016 at 00:58

    Hi Woe, thanks for you post.

    I do agree that the illusion of choice causes rejection, but it as also the factual amount of choice that is out there on line. I read somewhere that we should expect 1 out of 20 first dates to be a match. I met a lot of men who had some attractive qualities (cutlery sets? massage chairs? ) that still would not have made a good match with me. Yet it hurt of those fellows cut me loose. Women need to realize they don’t need to try to make it work with the first decent guy they come across. Yet when you first start online dating you don’t know where to draw the line. It’s hard not to get your feelings hurt sometimes, but I wholeheartedly agree it is not for the emotionally fragile.

    What do you think the odds are of making a good match on any one date?

    On the other hand one does hear stories of finding a long term relationship on the first or second time out of the gate and I know of a couple myself. What do you think is going on there? I guess statistically it will happen now and then.

    Which reminds me of an interesting topic as to how people make decisions. Some are satisficers, who pick the first choice that meets their criteria (which may be high or low, the point is that they stop looking once they find it). Some are maximizers, who want to make sure they’ve made the best choice out of all the available options.

  2. mashedmallow
    September 19, 2016 at 19:43

    This is 100% fucking correct.

    • woe
      September 19, 2016 at 22:35

      Fucking thankyou.

  3. mashedmallow
    September 20, 2016 at 20:48

    🙂
    I’ve had 2 years of online dating and I”m completely broken by the whole experience. I’m going back to the real world.
    Oh, just read your Stella Grey bit as well – excellent. I hated those fucking articles she wrote, probably more than life itself.
    Looking forward to the book!

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