In matters of lust, act professional

It’s not inconceivable that mobile communication may one day be proved responsible for more people not talking to each other than the other way around. Smart phones are only smart if you know how to use them but it seems, in matters of love, lust and all the permutations in between, people are clueless. As I write, hundreds of people are pressing buttons they shouldn’t have and in doing so, bombing the fuck out of any potential relationship. You’ve seen it, you’ve done it and you’ll do it again. Unless that is you learn to reimagine him or her as your bank manager. No, I’m not kidding. Listen up.

Let’s say you’re due to see your bank manager next Friday. You’ve made an appointment. Do you text him or her to ask them how they are? Tell them you’re bored at work? Tell them you’re missing them and send them pictures of pandas and cats? Would you conceive of sending your bank manager a text just to say ‘Hi’ every ten minutes for 24 hours? No. Because you don’t want to fuck up your chances of getting a mortgage. Same applies to the random from Match or Tinder you’re currently stalking. You need to keep your distance. The more you like them, the more you have to think of your bank manager. Or perhaps your hairdresser. Let’s say you had your hair done last Saturday. As you were leaving you let your stylist know you were very happy with your stripper like hair extensions and there were mutual smiles all round. You made an appointment to return for a dip-dye (of course you did) in two weeks. During those two weeks, does it occur to text your hairdresser and say things like “I’m so horny for my dip-dye’ or ‘Looking at my slutty hair extensions and thinking of you all the time.’ Do you Whats App them when they’re with another client demanding to know how they feel today? Do you show them pictures of other haircuts you may like every half hour for two weeks? Do you tag them on Facebook with pictures of bad haircuts saying ‘Hey Royce, this is your next one Lol Emoticon Banana Palm Tree Heart’. Would you send your dentist a gif of your mouth and a message saying “Ready” on the eve of your appointment? Bombard your organic butcher with “Missing your meat” messages all day?

Now if you’re part of the self-entitlement brigade, then you will almost certainly not understand my examples. I am a benevolent WOE so I will make it clear. You need to be more professional in your personal relationships. Think of it as a warm distance rather than a cool one. Better still, consider this: Each time you don’t send a text, hit Whats App or stalk their Facebook page, you’re gaining points. Next time you think it’s a really good idea to send a flurry of hearts to someone you’ve met two or three times, or perhaps even a picture of your all day breakfast with your tongue poking out ask yourself if you should send it to your doctor/dentist/butcher/bank manager. If the answer is yes, then even WOE can’t help you.

2 comments for “In matters of lust, act professional

  1. Paula
    September 8, 2015 at 12:10

    No fair reading my mind and then saying what I was thinking, only better.

  2. Jeremia Corbynistic
    September 12, 2015 at 22:41

    Paula. I like your name and your hair. But please don’t report me to the men-who-like-complimenting-women police brigade. I am no feminazi hater, just a sad man looking to be made happy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.