Surprising at it might seem, Tinder does not come naturally to me. Indeed for anyone past forty (cynics would say 25) the computer game analogy is meaningless. I still dream of PacMan, a game that managed to be both cute and packed with fruit, two qualities that never fail to please me. To survive, let alone, enjoy, Tinder you need that computer game sensibility: know when to move with speed, when to pause for evaluation and when to to step away. These principles also apply to the general parry and thrust of dating. Today I direct you to that masterwork on dating and sex, The Art of War by Sun Tzu, a book that provides us with timeless lessons on tempting, taming and trashing. Sun Tzu offers the Tinder novice and general dater, comprehensive advice and we can only imagine what an impressive agony aunt he would have made. Here are some key lessons we can learn from the insightful and rather saucy Mr Tzu.
“A soldier’s spirit is keenest in the morning.” Extraordinarily prophetic and astute on Sun’s part, this refers to the fact that Tinder is really busy in the early hours. Thus you are likely to find more men wanting to chat at 3am then at say 9pm. You are also likely to find new joiners at this time so it’s a good moment to pick them off fresh. While they’re hungover and confused. fill their fragile minds with stories about Tinder being full of hookers and how it’s amazing he managed to find you, as you must be one of the only ‘real’ girls on it.
“Whoever is first in the field and awaits the coming of the enemy, will be fresh for the fight; whoever is second in the field and has to hasten to battle will arrive exhausted.” When you’ve matched with a guy on Tinder and made a meeting, be there first. Get a table so you can watch the door. If you do not like the look of him, go into the toilets, text him and say you are so sorry, but you can’t make it. Put a meaningless but mandatory X on the text to make him feel better. (Costs you nothing to be nice) Wait a while until he’s gone then leave.
“If we do not wish to fight, we can prevent the enemy from engaging us even though the lines of our encampment be merely traced out on the ground. All we need do is to throw something odd and unaccountable in his way.” Sun Tzu understood the worry of swiping right, getting a match and then realising you didn’t want it. Say something that will throw them off when they open the conversation. When they say, “How are you,” you might wish to reply with, “The frosts are early this year. I am boiling a frog.” Don’t try this if they are Eastern European as it’s bound to make them horny.
“At first, then, exhibit the coyness of a maiden, until the enemy gives you an opening; afterwards emulate the rapidity of a running hare, and it will be too late for the enemy to oppose you.” This man Sun could give those Rules ladies a run for their money. Don’t be too interested, play hard to get, let him get to know you and then keep him guessing by disappearing for ten days and coming home with no underwear on. You’ll break him and be able to do anything you want.
“Begin by seizing something which your opponent holds dear; then he will be amenable to your will.” Take his 10K carbon fibre bike and hide it. Better still, sell it.
“When the enemy is relaxed, make them toil. When full, starve them. When settled, make them move.” Sun Tzu abhorred those dating ads where people expressed a need for a partner who wanted ‘nights in on the sofa with a DVD and a glass of red wine’. He recognised that familiarity was something that could arise very quickly in relationships and destroy them. Thus he recommends that we do not let the grass grow under his feet. If your date looks ready to lie on the sofa and put on The Shawshank Redemption, put on skimpy running gear and say you are running to his best friend’s house to show him your new trainers and will be back in the morning. This should keep things interesting.
“Move swift as the Wind and closely-formed as the Wood. Attack like the Fire and be still as the Mountain.”
Self explanatory, surely. Lie.
“If soldiers are punished before they have grown attached to you, they will not prove submissive; and, unless submissive, then will be practically useless. If, when the soldiers have become attached to you, punishments are not enforced, they will still be useless.” My Dom told me to include this.
“Danger has a bracing effect.” Sex in the park in broad daylight, sex in the lift at work, sex on a suspension bridge or even in a skip, all of these are advised by Sun Tzu. Or if you’re like me, a dungeon.
“If he sends reinforcements everywhere, he will everywhere be weak.” I generally get bored giving random hand jobs to a lover; it benefits nobody least of all me. Sun Tzu obviously agrees. Best to keep your lover’s mind, and his cock on the main event and not let him spill a drop in vain.
“Rewards for good service should not be deferred a single day.” Play nice. If he gives you the orgasm of your life, wear the stupid nurse’s uniform for him.
“We must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.” It is not good to be on Tinder too often as they will think you are following them and you’re one of those unhinged crazy chicks. In which case you might want to use the Tinder info to stalk him on Facebook.
“Pick out the right men and utilise combined energy.” MMF is much more fun than FFM. But you didn’t need Sun to tell you that.
“Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.” Basically if you have to fake orgasm to get it over with, do it in style.