As a Woman of Experience (yes we are in caps so I’m asserting it today) I occasionally meet men of the married flavour, who tell me that they wanted to ‘feel young again’. Their definition of ‘feeling young’ is pretty simple, centred as it is on finding a new woman and a new bed. What part of this makes them feel young? Seriously. Sex, new sex, novelty sex, illicit sex is a million miles away from the carefree world of the young. It is not the sex that makes you feel young when you’re young: It’s the fact that it’s reckless, unplanned, behind a sofa, in a car, high on weed. It’s also that you are actually young.
I fear these men have miscalculated.Having ‘new’ sex when you’re older to feel young is setting yourself up for a major fall. You think an affair is going to make you feel young? An affair requires organisation, attention to detail, the covering of tracks – in short, seriously major planning. You will obsess about it when you are meant to be working, trying to figure out when you can meet next. Your work will suffer and you will develop more lines and wrinkles as you try to look for secret places to have phone conversations and figure out how to download apps that you think she/he will not be able to read. You will spend so much time on this that by the time you manage to secure a meeting with the person who will make you feel young, you will be exhausted and you will say “Can we just lie here and talk?” Then you will have an argument because that person wanted wild, storming, reckless, youthful sex and you have turned into their father. Or you will be so worried that you left work early and that Brian is moving in on your deal (you asked him to keep an eye on it but we know how it works) that you will not be able to get an erection and you will feel really, really old. When you go home to your wife she will tell you how tired and old you look. You will be cantankerous and ill-humoured because the rendezvous you spent all that time setting up was not the laughing, tumbling, abandoned moment you wanted it to be. Plus you spent £250 on a hotel room for 3 hours. As time goes on you will find yourself stuck in a pattern and it will be exhausting. You have a to make a decision. You decide to get a divorce and then you know for sure you will feel young. The divorce costs you lots of money. It ages you. You lose more hair. Your children hate you. You remember being their age. It makes you feel old.
Sex with someone new is fun occasionally. But it won’t make you feel young. (And no it won’t burn the calories they say it does). If you want to feel young these days gentlemen, the only way is to become a gamer. Wear a hoody, sit at the Xbox, get an adrenalin high from reaching the Coveted Path to the Enchanted Kingdom at Level 103 and discussing it with MoordoorXDoom, who is Ukranian. Nobody will know you are balding and developed love handles some time ago. You do not have to worry about your body not performing. You will learn a new language, that of youth. That will make you feel young. Sad? Not any sadder than what you’re thinking.
***I am an equal opportunity vitriolic so women reading this should also take the same advice. There are some lovely designer hoodies about.