“You must’ve had a night where you did two grams of nasty blow in New York City and a fifth of Jack Daniel’s and been with not the greatest chick you ever slept with and you got two hours’ sleep and you wake up and it’s the morning rush and you’re hearing honk! honk! honk! out your window and it’s gray and it’s cold and you just want to die. At that moment, yeah, I regretted what I’d done the night before. But big-picture regrets? Nah.”
Iggy Pop
Why I’m your woman of experience
At 20 I lived with a man who was 22 years older and in the same industry I was in, advertising. At 32 I met a tall, blonde, free spirit on a deserted beach and we had sex within three hours of meeting. I ended up going to live with him in London. It lasted 8 years, but I stayed for 23 and had some relationships with charming, intelligent, generous men. They were not for life but they taught me a lot about not just what I wanted, but who I needed.
Sex, Drugs and not many hugs
While I respect a person’s need for a significant other, I’ve never really searched for anyone. I’ve always preferred to be alone, rather than with anyone because they were there. That sounds like a very pure statement but it wasn’t easy at times. I have slept with men who were not ideal in any way because, like many women, I wanted physical closeness. People do not always have sex because they want sex: they have sex to get other things like reassurance and love.
My curly hair and exotic looks made me an outsider until around the age of 17 when, as if a button was pressed, I was highly desirable to a lot of men. After being ignored for most of my school life, having men sidle up to me at parties saying, “I want to fuck you,” was bizarre. They didn’t even say hello or ask my name. Meanwhile, other girls were being given cute, stuffed animals on their birthdays from adoring boyfriends. I didn’t want a stuffed kitten or teddy; I wanted the thought that came with it.
As an advertising copywriter in the heady eighties, I lived the crazy dream. I was surrounded by money, drugs, endless parties and unlimited opportunities for hedonistic experiments with various people. I guess I just jumped in. We all did. In many ways, it was the last, great decade for many things.
My 40s were like a Scott Fitzgerald movie
I have no time for guilt and I don’t generally look backwards. When I do, I remember all the good things and fun I’ve had. I’ve also landed on love’s scrapheap which in itself is not a bad thing, except when you do it because you keep making the same mistake with the same sort of person who is wrong for you. And that’s what I did during my 40s. If I hadn’t, I’m not sure I would have known the man I met in my 50s was exactly what I needed.
And then came Tinder
During that decade I had three sexy, turbulent, emotionally draining and wild relationships with charming, intelligent men who were not for life, but each meant something to me. There was the married American who flew me to New York, the aristocrat ridden with Catholic guilt who had a girlfriend but lusted after me and the witty, generous but emotionally unavailable banker. I enjoyed being with them and true to form, I played the smart, sexy, witty role they wanted. But I was kidding myself. After that came my adventures on Tinder, which was a perfect palate cleanser. And then I stepped back. I didn’t date. I didn’t look. Instead, it came looking for me.
The lessons I’ve learned come straight from the beds I left, the ones who left me, those I loved who were never available, and those who loved me but I was too distracted, confused or emotionally afraid to notice.
Luck, Timing and Divine intervention
As I said earlier, being in a relationship was never a top priority. The fact that I met A a couple of years after stepping back from dating after my whirlwind 40s is a sign that I was ready. Luck, timing, a strange series of plane trips and a long-lost friend brought us together. I think the Universe must have known I was ready to stop playing party girl (though I still do with him) and that I wanted a man who was as passionate about his hugs as he was about sex. The truth is, and I don’t say this lightly, I wouldn’t have appreciated him ten years earlier.
What can you expect?
I’m using my experiences, good, bad and those I really can’t define, to shed light on what other women are going through. Not just the men but the sex, the fantasies and the way technology has skewed things. I want to help you choose the life that suits you, a life where you’re happy with your choices and enjoying those moments for whatever they are. I know so many dating coaches say they’re just like your best friend. In my experience, best friends are generally too biased to be of any use in matters of love and lust. And they’ll tell you what you want to hear.
My job is not to be your best friend. I’m giving advice straight up and dirty. We’ll have fun (and you get to laugh with me) but ultimately I hope to give you the knowledge and wisdom to choose a path that suits you. Because that’s all that matters.
No best friend shit. Instead, I’m offering a funny, sly and intelligent take on modern dating and relationships that I hope will increase your self-awareness and ensure your sanity and self-respect no matter what the situation.